Essentially I guess it’s just women sitting in a circle? But if you’ve been in one you know it’s more than that.
Here’s where things get a bit tricky: I can tell you what women’s circle is to me, how it is for me and what I experience, but every circle is different depending on the person running it or holding space. So in the spirit of that, I’ll simply share what women’s circle is like in my experience. Other circles run by different women will be different to this and I think it’s important for a participant to feel a synergy with the person running the circle for it to “work”.
Before Circle
When I run circle, I like to get to the venue a bit beforehand to get in the zone, but my preparations start a bit earlier than that. On the day of the circle, I will check out the moon phase, the time of the season and any seasonal celebrations we might be approaching. Seasonal celebrations I keep an eye on are generally things like Beltane, Samhain, equinoxes, solstices etc. These are ancient traditions where humans have celebrated certain times of year for thousands of years. So once I’ve looked at those details I create a little prompt card in case a woman comes to circle and really doesn’t know what to share, feels anxious and shut down or just likes my prompts. Then I prepare some food and get my box of circle related items ready.
My pre-circle setup in the venue often just involves getting the space ready, moving chairs aside, putting a rug on the floor, putting some candles in the middle, setting up cushions and I also have a few treasures I like to have from my box of circle items. These include a sheet that I use only for women’s circle, an oracle deck, a rose quartz tea light holder, a black cockatoo feather and I usually like to have some seasonal flowers and fruits. If I have time I might do a short meditation or just chill out for a bit before everyone arrives.
I ask participants to arrive 15 minutes before the start time. For example, I find that shooting for 2:15pm means we can start at 2:30pm more easily. Most circles last 3 hours. It’s good to allow time afterwards for something to eat to get a bit grounded because the time in women’s circle can be quite liminal and that might make it unsafe to drive straight away.
Then we begin
Once everyone has arrived and a bit of chatting I usually do a short guided visualisation to help people get present and grounded, to leave behind what they were doing and get connected to their breath and body. I also like to acknowledge country and the traditions that have informed my personal practices. Then, I light a candle and say “I am Yo and I call myself present”. Then there’s an opportunity for others to light a candle if they wish. Sometimes it can feel a bit weird if it’s brand new, everyone doing this same thing and acting very reverent. I am getting used to this myself, being reverent and creating sacred spaces. Being raised atheist, sacred spaces and reverent spaces always felt silly and weird to me. What is your experience in this regard?
Then I like to speak the agreements or protocols. I like everyone attending to help me state these to break the feeling that I am the boss and they are my rules. I like to remove hierarchy and remember that a circle has no top or bottom, we are all equal and from my perspective, it would be great if the protocols were understood and appreciated by all. While I have listed the protocols here, lately some friends and I have been really enjoying that they aren’t written down at circle – that the verbal sharing and recall feels like an honourable way to share them. Plus, they are ever evolving. If someone has something extra they particularly need to create a safe space, that can be added.
Taking turns
Next it’s time to share. There is usually a talking stick and I also have a basket in the spirit of the energy of women. Sometimes I feel like the stick is a male thing and other times I really want the stick, especially to hit the ground with. In the basket is a roll-on essential oil, a rose quartz crystal shaped a bit like a heart, a couple of shakers and the prompt card. When it’s time to start, I usually like to leave the basket and stick in the middle and just wait for someone to start the sharing by grabbing it and starting. Sometimes that’s another one of those weird moments, where it’s silent and tense. I am starting to get used to it and even like it.
When it’s a woman’s “turn” in circle, no-one else speaks. This is her time to speak, cry, rage, be silent, shake, make eye contact or whatever she likes. This is a safe space for the wild woman within all of us who possibly doesn’t have many other places she can come out to show her fangs and claws. All is welcome and is received without judgement. It’s everyone else’s role to listen actively. When I am listening to someone and I have thoughts about what she is saying, I like to notice what specific things stir a reaction in me so I can think about them or journal about them later. Sometimes I just let it be, feel the energy arising in me and try to take my attention back to the woman in front of me. Mostly I find the listening role meditative and it has helped me a lot in my life, to give people better attention, which is what most people seem to want more than anything else.
When it’s time to share, most people need to have developed some depth of connection in the group before they will share private things. Others will dive straight in. There’s nothing specific you need to say, it’s all up to you. One thing I have noticed is, sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to say. This is where I either just start talking or use the prompt card. Then it all starts pouring out. A lot of the time I end up talking about things and I am not even sure what the point of it is. Gratefully, one of the agreements is that “it doesn’t have to make sense” and when I can release the need to be cognitively accurate, or good or right, something else can come out. Something that needed attention that I didn’t even realise and then the healing work can happen. Sometimes I say things or act in ways I never would in real life and when I hear those things being said aloud it helps me to clarity whether or not I want to carry on with that story in my life. Oftentimes, just having said it in circle means I can leave it aside in real life.
The magic
To me, there is a feeling of magic in a women’s circle. I share what’s alive for me, and others do the same with no intention to influence others or share in a similar vein to others, and time and time again I see the threads that connect us through all the women in a particular circle. We might all reference friendship, or grief or whatever it might happen to be that circle, and it happens without effort or manipulation. Best of all, I notice that hearing another woman share what’s alive for her nearly always touches something inside me; either through empathy or it being something wise I needed to hear to guide me. And it’s not just me, some kind of starry-eyed women’s circle devotee. Many women notice these serendipitous connections and find it deeply nourishing. To feel, essentially, normal. To feel that my process is not broken or weird or crazy or bad or wrong. To feel instead kindred, understood, part of something, seen and heard.
One of the things I am noticing lately is how important the agreements or protocols are. The more I love circle and benefit from it, the more my passion and devotion to the process of circle grows and the more commitment I feel to the protocols. These agreements create a safe space. They let everyone know what the expectations are. Each circle holder has a different way she holds space and the agreements ultimately define the depth of healing that can happen in a circle.
Ultimately, a women’s circle is just a group of women sitting in a circle, possibly taking turns to speak in relation to a specific prompt or just speaking about whatever is alive for them in that moment. Somehow, this ancient tradition of being together unlocks way more than a normal conversation. It connects us as women. It is like a woven basket, we are the uprights and our stories are the thread that binds us together.
How long is it?
I like to try and have three times around the circle. If the stick and basket come to a woman and she feels complete or has nothing to say she can just pass it along. This can mean circle can take quite a while. I find three hours is a good amount of time and sometimes we don’t really need the third round so it can be a fun moment to speak one word or a short sentence about what we are taking home with us or something we are grateful for.
Then it’s time for something to eat and some loose chatting before we all go home. Have you been to a women’s circle? Was it like that or did it have a different style?
