Before I started sharing women’s circles, I wrote about speaking from the “I”. I shared my words with my dear friend and co-creator, Radha, and she helped me develop them further to this piece of writing. 

This is our current best thinking about holding space in circle and what kinds of agreements we have with each other to create a sense of safety and connection. 

What would you add?  

Having been part of women’s circles for quite some time, we have noticed that having some agreements creates a lot of safety for people. These are part of the culture of our time together.

If any of these are unclear or you don’t agree or even if you just want to talk about them, please reach out. This is an adaptable and learning culture, not a fixed dogma. We love you, are informed by you and respect the gifts you bring to the space. 

• What is said in circle stays in circle – confidentiality please
• Don’t hold a woman to her word
• This is a space of non judgement
• We use a talking bowl or stick
• You don’t need to speak
• It doesn’t have to make sense
• Try to maintain eye contact when listening and speaking
• Speak from the “I”
• Ask for permission if you want to refer to what another woman said
• Ask for permission before you touch someone
• When you need to wee, try to do it between people’s turn
• Can you think of anything else that would help you feel safe and loved? Email me or let’s have a chat. 

Some of these are self explanatory and some of these might need more explanation. 

We’ve gone in depth on some of them below. 

Confidentiality

This means that what is shared within our circle, stays within our circle.

What that looks like is: after our circle time you don’t tell anyone else’s story to others. 

One use for your urge to recount someone else’s story is to consider what that means for you. 

Have you experienced similar things? 

What would you tell  your own younger self? 

Is it time for you to celebrate how far you’ve come and what you’ve grown through? 

Could you create a resource for others who are going through what you’ve experienced? 

Can you think of other ways you can use the ways you’re activated by another’s story for your own personal growth?

A fun thing to say is “My sister speaks for me” and just leave it at that. 

Resist judgment

Any judgments you make in response to another woman’s speaking can give you information about yourself and particular fears or beliefs that you hold (that may not be serving you). 

When there is a deep sense of safety in a women’s circle, women may choose to share topics that are laden with guilt, shame and other negative emotions. In these triggered states, a woman may not be able to share the full context of her past situation. Complete context might help others to compassionately see what motivated her choices. We simply ask that you try to use your internal responses as a tool for your own reflections and growth.

Don’t hold a woman to her word

Hopefully, circle is a safe enough space for a person to say things they wouldn’t normally say, feel things that aren’t normally allowed in society and possibly test out personas that she doesn’t feel safe to explore anywhere else. What this means is, sometimes what we see a woman doing in circle isn’t her values, it’s her past patterns and conditioning. She has to grind through these in ways that we can’t grasp so she can release them and heal herself. 

Yo: In my life, I have a value to be true to my word and women’s circle is my exception. It’s a place where I “act out”, be a baby, be irrational, be angry, be mean, be not okay and what I find is that clearing this gunk in circle helps me show up in my life as the person I want to be, more and more. 

You don’t need to speak

Listening during women’s circle is as powerful medicine and magic as speaking. The role of listening is important and it is work sometimes. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s perfect to let us in a tiny bit and just let us know how you are right now, at this moment. If you are feeling complete and nothing is arising, it’s fine to not speak. For any reason at all, it’s fine to not speak. 

It doesn’t need to make sense

There is no need to apologise to anyone at women’s circle about what you share. You don’t have to make full, proper sentences. You don’t need to speak English, you don’t owe anyone anything. We are here for you. You can talk things through, hash out ideas, review or rehash. It’s for you. 

Speaking from the “I”

Have you heard of this concept before?

I believe that speaking from the “I” helps us to take responsibility. 

I notice that when people are sharing in circle and they start talking about: 

the way things are

Or

the things that “we” need

Or

the things that society needs, 

These statements are actually what I suggest the person needs themselves. 

For example: 

I was at a retreat recently, and a woman was saying things like: “Women are so unsupported. What we really need is Community. What we really need is time out.”

The facilitator interrupted her and suggested that she reframe these statements as “I” statements. 

The woman did find this a little bit difficult. 

It takes practice and vulnerability.

When these statements are reframed as “I” statements they sound like this: 

“I am so unsupported. 

What I really need is community.

What I really need is time out.”

I am not going to be policing this however I encourage you to think about what you are saying when you don’t speak from the “I”. How about a little experiment to see what is sitting underneath those statements about what “we” need or broad sweeping statements about society. What could they mean for you personally?

Talking bowl/stick

The agreements and responsibilities:

• She who holds the bowl is the only one who speaks
• No interrupting, no comments, no questions
• Listening to the woman who is speaking and listening within for what arises for you.

When we co-create circle together with this level of intention and safety making, magic happens, we co-create something bigger than ourselves and our circle becomes the Shaman or Medicine Woman. This then means that we each may hear and feel the very next thing we need to hear on our healing journey.

By Natasha Berta (Yo), Radha Stone

The circle protocols have come from many sources; from previous circles over time. We would like to acknowledge the shared holding of women over generations who have known and held this wisdom. We deeply appreciate the women who have passed this knowledge on to us.